


too long 'till i drown in your hands (forever is a long time)

by amazingkamisnotonfire



Series: the blue neighbourhood [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Youtube RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Based on Troye Sivan's Blue Neighbourhood trilogy, Closeted Character, Dan and Phil as kids, Dan and Phil as teenagers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Homophobia, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kids, Kids!Phan, M/M, NEXT WORK IN THE SERIES: FOOLS, Part One of Blue Neighbourhood ft. Phan, Phan as kids, Phan as teenagers, Sad, Self-Denial, Self-Esteem Issues, Teenagers!Phan, The Mark of Oxin, Underage - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 04:37:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6839329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingkamisnotonfire/pseuds/amazingkamisnotonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the blue neighbourhood ft. dan and phil. that's it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I... I have no explanation for this. Blame Troye Sivan. 
> 
>  
> 
> Leave a kudos/comment and enjoy! :)

_ dan howell and phil lester has been best friends since they were still trying to walk. _

 

_ they had done everything together; eat, bathe, play. they like to eat beside each other and watch telly as if it was the only thing they could understand. both of their mums would coo and say, ' aren’t they the cutest?'  and dan would blush and hide under phil and they would gush even more.  after that, they’ll go outside by the beach and build and throw sands each other. and when it’s time for phil to go home, dan would cry and phil would say, 'i t’s okay, bear. i will come back.' d an would stop crying and nod. and phil would come back tomorrow with a smile, like dan believed he would. _

 

_ dan and phil both like exploring. and finding things. and going to places they shouldn’t. they often get lost but others are not so worried- they always got lost but still find their way around. people often call them the ‘ troublemakers’ and the  ‘dynamic duo’ \- and they grin whenever someone calls them that.  “young and naughty, you lot,” dan’s mum always say with obvious fondness. _

 

_ they liked looking at stars, too. when it’s late at night, phil would sneak out and help dan get out by the window. since they live close, it was not a problem. phil would hold dan’s hands and they’d go to their special place: the beach. specifically the spot near the trees. they’d lie down and look at the stars. then, they’d talk about their dreams, and hopes. they always had a lovely time. when they’re both sleepy, they’d run to the house, like the little mischievous wanderers they are, and sleep a good night sleep with the largest smile on their faces. _

 

_ dan howell and phil lester were still best friends even when the world (or just the girls in school) is against them.  _

 

_ phil was year four while dan was in year one. despite the different schedules, they still did everything together. just not inside the school. they went and go home together at school, they do their homeworks together- they were inseparable.  _

 

_ there was a one time when a girl from dan’s class invited him to her birthday party. dan bit his lip and asked if his friend, phil, could come. the girl, cat, huffed in annoyance. 'f ine. but make sure you’re there, okay dan?'  dan just nodded quietly, feeling shy. _

 

_ dan told phil about it and was visibly excited. their mums had been excited, too, and dressed them up real nice and fancy. they were in tears when they arrived at the party. both dan and phil went up to cat, who was dressed as a princess.  _

 

_ 'she could’ve dressed as a cat,'phil whispered to dan. dan giggled. _

 

_ 'or a princess cat.' they both stifled their giggles.  _

 

_ the party was kind of blast. dan spent his time eating the scones (which were delicious.) while phil just drew cat whiskers on his face with the chocolate fondue. dan laughed at him. phil just grinned and tried to lick them from his cheek, with no avail. _

 

_ cat went to her stage and tried to shush. 'today, i am getting married,' she announced proudly. the girls giggled loudly. dan is still laughing at phil. '--to dan!' _

 

_ the girls cheered and giggled some more. dan looked at cat questioningly, obviously confused and bewildered as to why his name is suddenly called. he turned to phil, who looks just as lost as he is. 'phil...?' _

 

_ dan didn’t get to finish what he’s going to say when cat tugged him and dragged him to the stage. dan also noticed that she’s not dressed as a princess anymore, rather she’s wearing a stuffy wedding dress.  _

 

_ 'cat..' dan’s eyes darted wildly. 'what’s-what’s happening? what are we doing?' dan asked nervously. _

 

_ phil widens his eyes, he knew what was going to happen. cat just grinned and leaned to him, her eyes closed and lips puckered. dan froze. _

 

_ he dashed to the stage and snatched dan’s hands from cat’s firm hold. 'hey!' she complained, her lips pouting. _

 

_ 'uh, sorry!' phil waved his hand. 'uhm, my hamster, susan, is pregnant and dan is the father so she needs him! he can’t get married!' phil blurted. dan ducked his head and blushed profusely. 'we need to go!' _

 

_ dan took a quick look on cat’s enraged and red face and giggled quietly, while phil is hastily dashing to the door. they ran away, phil still grabbing dan’s arm. dan recognized the place as their favourite spot. _

 

_ they sat down at the sand, breathing heavily. they were both quiet, not uttering a single word when phil starts to talk. 'dan, she can’t marry you!' _

 

_ dan looks at him, confused. 'huh?' _

 

_ "you can’t marry cat!' phil seems to struggle with his words, his pale face flushing. 'she-she she’s- you just can’t!' _

 

_ 'i won’t marry cat.' _

 

_ 'pinky swear on it.' phil demanded. _

 

_ dan laid out his small pinkie, smiling at phil. phil quickly interlaced his pinkie around his, visibly relaxing. 'good.' phil paused. 'she can’t kiss you, either.' _

 

_ 'iwon’t kiss her,' dan nodded solemnly.  _

 

_ 'okay,' phil sighed, relieved. 'good.' _

 

_ dan howell and phil lester were still best friends even when they reached grade school. _

 

_ they both loved school, yes, but this was different. they were way more more kids, much older and meaner. now that phil was in year three while dan was in year six, they went on different classes. of course they are still together entering and going home from school. _

 

_ they held hands when they entered the building. dan gulping, his eyes wide and round while phil held his hand tightly, bravely walking inside with bright determination plastered on his face. after school, they refused to be apart. they’d study and read children’s books and sing nursery rhymes (poorly) phil would help dan with his homework, or whatever it is he’s having a hard time with, and dan would always tell him about his day- whether it’s bad or not. _

 

_ they still held hands going to school when one day, an older kid saw them and teased them about it.  ('you can’t hold hands with a boy! it’s gross!')  dan burst out sobbing and left early; phil, of course, went with him. when they went home, phil insists on staying on dan’s side until he stops crying. phil asked what’s wrong. dan answered with a series of sniffs and wet sobs. _

 

_ after that very day, when they went to school dan didn’t want to hold on phil’s hand. phil understood. _

 

_ he still didn’t hold phil’s hand the next day. phil just kept quiet. _

 

_ and the other day… then the other day. phil was understandably upset. _

 

_ they went home together (the school was only few blocks away) with phil trying so hard not cry. dan asked what’s wrong. phil replied with a squeaky ‘nothing’ and tried to run. dan quickly grabbed his arm, his eyes full of wet tears. 'phil, what’s wrong please?' _

 

_ phil felt his mouth quiver, 'you hate me.' _

 

_ dan widens his eyes, deep frown etched on his face.'what? of course, i don’t.' _

 

_ 'you won’t hold hands with me anymore.' _

 

_ "but, i thought you were embarrassed with me…'dan looks down. _

 

_ 'i will never, bear.' phil smiled. dan gingerly held his hands and looks at the ground. _

  
_ dan howell and phil lester had been best friends since, well forever, and time itself is a witness. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dan is 13; phil is 16

_years have passed for phil and dan, but they’re still remarkably close, possibly even more. their names might as well become one. they cannot be separated even if they tried, and people know it. phil is currently in year 11 while dan is in year 8. dan is just starting high school while phil is starting his first day as a senior. well tomorrow is both their first day, technically so they are trying to make this day count as possible._

_‘ugh, i feel like throwing up,’ phil announces, sitting on the bed with his obnoxiously long limbs propped up against the wall and his head dangling on the edge of his bed._

_‘maybe it’s due to the fact that all the blood is rushing to your head?’ dan replied snarkily, eyes glued to the computer screen, phil’s computer. dan is sat on phil’s ‘fancy executive chair’ - as he would word it - and is playing an rpg game that phil made on his own two years ago when dan was in a vacation in his grandparents’ house all summer-long. when he accidentally mentioned it once in a conversation, dan whined and begged phil if he could play it. the older boy haven’t even played it but he just lets dan enjoy the game first. he seems hooked and phil is glad. ‘seriously phil, stop doing that.’_

_phil’s room was quite small and surprisingly quaint, it’s a burst of colour and strange stuff that phil collects - his room just screams phil lester. his bright, green-blue bedsheet came from ikea and matches his wallpaper, which his mum picked. his floor is carpeted and scattered with wacky stuff. stuff like a deck of tarot cards, bunny ears headpiece, a stick with a head of a stuffed toy glued to its end, and a suspicious looking slime._

_phil changed his position and sat criss-cross on his creaky bed instead, bored out of his mind. he announced his boredom to his best friend, who seems preoccupied with the game. he walked towards dan, and bends down so he could level with the younger boy, ‘how was the game?’ he asks, looking at him and not the screen._

_‘it’s really good,’ dan mumbles, concentrating with the complex puzzle phil made. ‘though i’m really intrigued with the mark now.’_

_‘heh, yeah, that one.’ something must be different with phil’s tone that made dan look at phil, who is three inches away from his personal space, making the younger boy blush profusely and clear his throat. he returns his focus on the game, but is blissfully aware of phil’s presence._

_he must getting distracted because phil keeps looking at him bemusedly whenever he messes up in a puzzle or a monster fight. he fully returns his focus on the game when the words ‘you died’ flashed obnoxiously on the screen. ‘aww,’ phil did that weird side-pout and made a depressing sound._

_‘that was too hard, phil,’ dan excused, scooting away from the boy. he really needs to keep himself together._

_it’s been like this for weeks now, two weeks specifically, ever since that incident happened. dan shook his head and tried his best not to think about that ._

_dan loads the game, starting from the checkpoint he saved, outwardly cursing because he realised that he had to do all that annoyingly hard and time-consuming puzzle. he tries to concentrate and is doing fine three minutes ago, but phil moved from his uncomfortable position and is pulling out a chair, and sat behind dan, his arms are resting on dan’s shoulder blades. now, normally this wouldn’t cause a heavy reaction from dan but now that things have changed, and things… have happened, it’s different._

_dan tenses and freaks out internally, his heart speeding up he could almost hear it. he tries extremely hard to not divert his attention on the game but god , phil’s breath is fanning his neck and blowing his hair, and shit , his hands are sweating and- why the hell is the mouse shaking-_

_‘dan, are you okay?’ phil asks, obviously worried. dan imagines what he must look like right now- damp hair, red cheeks and neck, visibly wobbling. he gulped and squeaked but then he realises that that’s not an answer, so he settles for a nod, not trusting himself to speak._

_‘seriously, you’re super red,’ phil twirled the seat, forcefully making dan face him. dan looks down but he can feel phil making that face where he scrunches his face and bites his tongue. the older boy places his smooth palms on dan’s forehead, making dan wince. shit._

_‘okay, something is obviously up,’ phil voiced softly. ‘what’s wrong?’_

_‘look, can we just go back to the game-?’ dan pleads, desperately trying to change his subject._

_‘you and i both know that know that that’s not gonna happen.’ phil interrupts, making dan sigh at his futile attempt to do so. ‘ i should have let phil do his thing in the first place ,’ he thought to himself._

_‘right,’ dan closes his eyes and sighs dramatically. he reminds himself that it’s just phil, there's nothing to be ashamed of, he can say anything with him, it’s just phil- his best friend. ‘uh-’ he groans, and covered his reddening face._

_‘what?’ phil asks, obviously confused, but with a hint of smile in his voice._

_‘nothing, just…’ he sighs deeply. ‘stop looking like that.”_

_‘like what?’_

_‘i don’t know, phil, just,’ dan rolls his eyes at his moronic ramblings. ‘your face, okay?’ what the fuck is he even talking about?_

_‘ okay.’ phil just sighs, ‘will you spit it out already?’_

_‘right, i’m just gonna say it,’ the younger boy directly looks at phil’s eyes, his face unwavering. the sudden dash of bravery surprised phil as he listened intently. ‘i saw you and carrie snogging. it was an accident, i swear, i didn’t mean to snoop and shit.’ dan lets out a breath he didn’t he’s holding, mumbling, ‘i’m sorry.’_

_‘who’s carrie?’ phil asks, clueless. dan gapes at him, ‘are you fucking serious?’ phil continues to slit his eyes in a bewildered manner, evidently ignorant about this whole ordeal._

_‘carrie fletcher? from your maths subject? the one you were munching faces with under the bleachers?’ dan didn’t mean to whine, but it definitely sounded bitchier than he intended._

_phil immediately reddens. ‘oh, that,’ he bows his head, embarrassed._

_‘ now he remembers, ’ dan cattily thinks to himself, a spike of jealousy swimming in his veins._

_‘but, dan, that was an accident!’ phil claims, his cheeks still tinged with pink. ‘i swear to pikachu, chris pushed me.’_

_now that does sound like something chris would do. but whatever, phil’s stupid love life is his business and who is he to contradict his best friend, anyway. if anything, he should be supportive. ‘whatever, it’s your business,’ dan shrugs, feeling unexplainably sad all of a sudden, ‘i’m happy for you, and all that cheesy stuff,’ he tries to smile at phil and gets up, wanting nothing but to go home and lock himself in his room._

_dan pretends to look at his watch and blinks rapidly, his chest suddenly constricting. he looks anywhere but phil, ‘i gotta go, mum’s gonna freak and yeah,’ he gets up and quietly retrieves his stuff that is sat on phil’s bed and curses himself for accidentally bumping his knuckles on phil’s bedside table. ‘ ah crap, that’s gonna leave a bruise later.’ dan felt like crying. not because of phil’s new fancy girlfriend, or because he feels super, duper sad about it. definitely none of those._

_‘dan,’ phil gets up and hurriedly walks to dan, almost stumbling. ‘i’m serious, carrie doesn’t mean anything to me.’_

_‘okay, whatever, phil,’ dan looks at him sideways. ‘it’s your love life and crap, why would i care about that? i don’t care. i’m just saying, i’m happy for you and stuff, but i don’t wanna hear about the gross stuff, okay? just, just leave it.’ dan felt like an idiot, just babbling on and on. god, why did he even open his mouth? he said too much and now he just end up looking like an idiot. he embarrassedly looks away, balling his hands into a fist, making sure that his nails are digging on his palms._

_‘alright,’ there was a weird, knowing tone in phil’s voice that he knows all too well. ‘why are you crying?’_

_‘crying? i’m not crying.’ dan finally looks at phil defiantly. what the hell is he on about?_

_phil leans in, making dan abruptly tense up and acutely aware of his surroundings. he froze when phil gently brushes his cheeks with his knuckles, wiping his tears away. what do you know, he was crying. he didn’t know what to say or how to react so he opted for gaping and staring at phil’s crystal blue eyes. the bastard didn’t stop there and places his hands on the both sides of dan’s face. dan is hot and shaking all over, he’s sure phil can feel it._

_phil is three inches taller than him so he had to strain his neck just to look him in the eyes. phil’s eyes…_

_‘dan?’_

_‘huh?’ dan replies intelligibly._

_‘are you jealous of carrie?’_

_dan’s eyes widens and slaps phil’s hands away from his face. he pushed the older boy’s chest, which sent him staggering away from him. dan tightens his grip on his backpack, feeling hot tears spilling on his cheeks. ‘so, you were just screwing me over?’_

_‘what, no-’_

_‘screw you, phil! so what if i’m queer then, huh?!_ _that doesn’t mean you can tease me or make fun of me! what makes you think i will enjoy that whatsoever? screw you!’_

 

_shit, shit, dan, no, what the hell have you done._

_he’s never been this angry with phil before and now that the truth is out there, he feels horrified and exposed. the dread that this day will someday happen finally unmasked itself and now it's threatening to spill out from the pit of his stomach. he wanted nothing more than to just crawl under the earth and never come out._

_without waiting for any reaction from phil, he bolted out of phil’s room and dashed down to the door, just to get the fuck out. he didn’t even stop to greet phil’s mum, but he doesn't care anymore. he just needed to get out. away from this house. away from this blue neighbourhood._ _away from phil._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the second and final part of WILD
> 
> next work in the series is FOOLS which still has tentative chapters. it's almost finished and is being refined. thank you for the patience and hope you liked the series so far XX

**Author's Note:**

> come scream about phan with me on tumblr! my url is kamwashere <3


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